I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE..... IT MUST BE TRUE

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

PHOTO OF A TOTAL ECLIPSE- VERY RARE

MY LAMENT..... LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A SOLAR ECLIPSE

I am outraged (word borrowed from mad Democrats) that the coming solar eclipse has been sent over Kansas. I got on Vox, a web site dedicated to the defense of every dumb Liberal in Washington DC, and they have this cool animated graphic of the eclipse as I will see it in my Zip Code area. 

SEE VOX'S ECLIPSE PAGE HERE

I got cheated to say the least. All I get is PacMan. Vox then told me I could drive 616 miles northeast, and I would get to see a full eclipse and watch the cows in Kansas go to sleep. This full eclipse in the USA only comes around once every 99 years. The last total eclipse was in June of 1918. So, this is my only shot at it. I think I will cancel my life insurance. What is it good for if a person cannot get in on a full eclipse.

Actually, there was an eclipse back in 1977-79 in Washington DC when the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate, and the White House, and the US Constitution went into total eclipse. Obama enjoyed this same blessing in 2009-11 during which the Constitution was declared null and void.

We had an eclipse in the High Desert of California when I still lived there learning Liberal tolerance and good will. A horse had wandered onto the right of way of the Union Pacific Railroad, and when the eclipse came over, the horse went sound asleep. A train came along, turned the horse into compost, and scattered his remains all over the tracks. All that was left of him was a hairy tale.

A solar eclipse consists of the moon passing between the earth and the sun. This is a lot like when a deer jumps between you and on oncoming car at night and blacks out the head lights which the guy has on high beam. The relief is very brief, and the deer never knows what chaos it created.

Jules Janssen, a distant relative of mine in The Netherlands, was staring at a full eclipse in 1868 while visiting France. To his amazement, he could see a cloud around the sun, and he realized that there was a new element of truth to be seen. The new element he called helium. No one had been smart enough to peek at that cloud until Jules came along. We Dutchmen are now peeking at eclipses regularly to see if we can find shelium. It seems politically incorrect for men to have helium, while women must go without their own personal gas. (Rich puns suggest themselves here gentlemen.)

Actually, a recent discovery was made indicating that shelium is present on earth after all. It seems to be found only from three sources..... Mexican pinto beans,  Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters.

My neighbor, blind Tom, asked me to warn you people not to stare at the eclipse. He did so long ago, and he fried his macular. The world needs more macular in men. Well, it could have been worse. Tom could have masticating and fried his glottis. Please do not let children read this stuff. I might warp them morally.

Even though the moon will cover the sun in St. Louis, something called the penumbra or the penultimate will still manage to slip around the moon and burn your eyes out. If you want to stare at the eclipse, go downtown to some welding shop, and borrow the hood the welder uses to look at his work in the hood.


You can also hold a Liberal Democrat's head between you and the sun. It will be dense enough to reduce the deadly rays of the sun.

So, have fun with science and astronomy as you enjoy the eclipse. Beware of sleeping horses standing in the road. And, do not inhale any helium (PC for that is personium). Helium, when inhaled, gives you a soprano voice, makes you grow breasts, and you have to use the ladies' restroom for life.

SMOOTH, COOL, VERRRRRY BRITISH..... THE BBC?

This is priceless.

It just happened today.

PHONE ANSWERING MACHINE IN AUSTRALIA

This is priceless.

GOOD COP MAKES THE LADY HAPPY

This is a great video. No explanation needed.

PARROT SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME IN BABY'S ROOM

This is wild.

EUROPEAN ANTHEM- ODE TO JOY

This is the first time I have really enjoyed the singing of the European Anthem.

SEMPER FI

TOP THIS ONE FOR A SPEEDING TICKET IN KINGSVILLE, TEXAS

 

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas. One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.

 

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

 

Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite treetops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.

 

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment. 

 

The reply came back in true USMC style:

 

"Thank you for your letter… 

 

"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down." 

 

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location." 

 

"Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville."

 

"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap on his holster is broken.”

 

Semper Fi

SUNDAY SERMON: ORDER A SALAD

This ought to get some fatty under conviction of sin:

GED TEST RESULTS ARE IMPROVING

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds):   

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A, The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (what!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)

 AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.     (now we’re getting somewhere)

MARQUIS OF MARMALADE DECLARES WAR IN ITALY

I am told this war is waged every year at this time. 

Perhaps this sort of war might not a-peel to some of you readers.

What did the little chicken say when he saw an orange egg in the nest?

Answer: Look at the orange Marma-laid.

Right, very old joke. Sorry about that.

WALKING THAT COUNTRY MILE

It may be Slim Dusty in the Outback, or it may be Bufford down on Tellico Plain in Tennessee, but those who walk that country mile learn a lot more about life than those who insist on riding in the Ford.

FIGURE EIGHT RACE WITH CAMP TRAILERS AND BOATS

This could only happen in Michigan.

But, the real action is in California
Wait for the yellow flag to turn green. Click down the title boxed in the middle of the screen

Another reason to Home School your kids

HAPPY 100TH DAY OF SCHOOL

Don't bug the Purncipal.

AMERICAN MARKETING STRIKES AGAIN

This is priceless. We all wish the truth came out in the light of day like this..........