MY LANGUAGE PLEASE

Saturday, October 21, 2017

I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE..... IT MUST BE TRUE


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."



Tuesday, August 15, 2017

MY LAMENT..... LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A SOLAR ECLIPSE

I am outraged (word borrowed from mad Democrats) that the coming solar eclipse has been sent over Kansas. I got on Vox, a web site dedicated to the defense of every dumb Liberal in Washington DC, and they have this cool animated graphic of the eclipse as I will see it in my Zip Code area. 

SEE VOX'S ECLIPSE PAGE HERE

I got cheated to say the least. All I get is PacMan. Vox then told me I could drive 616 miles northeast, and I would get to see a full eclipse and watch the cows in Kansas go to sleep. This full eclipse in the USA only comes around once every 99 years. The last total eclipse was in June of 1918. So, this is my only shot at it. I think I will cancel my life insurance. What is it good for if a person cannot get in on a full eclipse.

Actually, there was an eclipse back in 1977-79 in Washington DC when the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate, and the White House, and the US Constitution went into total eclipse. Obama enjoyed this same blessing in 2009-11 during which the Constitution was declared null and void.

We had an eclipse in the High Desert of California when I still lived there learning Liberal tolerance and good will. A horse had wandered onto the right of way of the Union Pacific Railroad, and when the eclipse came over, the horse went sound asleep. A train came along, turned the horse into compost, and scattered his remains all over the tracks. All that was left of him was a hairy tale.

A solar eclipse consists of the moon passing between the earth and the sun. This is a lot like when a deer jumps between you and on oncoming car at night and blacks out the head lights which the guy has on high beam. The relief is very brief, and the deer never knows what chaos it created.


Jules Janssen, a distant relative of mine in The Netherlands, was staring at a full eclipse in 1868 while visiting France. To his amazement, he could see a cloud around the sun, and he realized that there was a new element of truth to be seen. The new element he called helium. No one had been smart enough to peek at that cloud until Jules came along. We Dutchmen are now peeking at eclipses regularly to see if we can find shelium. It seems politically incorrect for men to have helium, while women must go without their own personal gas. (Rich puns suggest themselves here gentlemen.)

Actually, a recent discovery was made indicating that shelium is present on earth after all. It seems to be found only from three sources..... Mexican pinto beans,  Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters.

My neighbor, blind Tom, asked me to warn you people not to stare at the eclipse. He did so long ago, and he fried his macular. The world needs more macular in men. Well, it could have been worse. Tom could have masticating and fried his glottis. Please do not let children read this stuff. I might warp them morally.


Even though the moon will cover the sun in St. Louis, something called the penumbra or the penultimate will still manage to slip around the moon and burn your eyes out. If you want to stare at the eclipse, go downtown to some welding shop, and borrow the hood the welder uses to look at his work in the hood.


You can also hold a Liberal Democrat's head between you and the sun. It will be dense enough to reduce the deadly rays of the sun.

So, have fun with science and astronomy as you enjoy the eclipse. Beware of sleeping horses standing in the road. And, do not inhale any helium (PC for that is personium). Helium, when inhaled, gives you a soprano voice, makes you grow breasts, and you have to use the ladies' restroom for life.