MY LANGUAGE PLEASE

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

PHONE ANSWERING MACHINE IN AUSTRALIA

This is priceless.





Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

SEMPER FI

TOP THIS ONE FOR A SPEEDING TICKET IN KINGSVILLE, TEXAS
 
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas. One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.
 
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
 
Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite treetops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.
 
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment. 
 
The reply came back in true USMC style:
 
"Thank you for your letter… 
 
"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down." 
 
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location." 
 
"Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville."
 
"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap on his holster is broken.”
 

Semper Fi



Thursday, March 16, 2017

GED TEST RESULTS ARE IMPROVING

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds):   

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A, The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (what!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)

 
AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.     (now we’re getting somewhere)