MY LAMENT..... LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A SOLAR ECLIPSE

I am outraged (word borrowed from mad Democrats) that the coming solar eclipse has been sent over Kansas. I got on Vox, a web site dedicated to the defense of every dumb Liberal in Washington DC, and they have this cool animated graphic of the eclipse as I will see it in my Zip Code area. 

SEE VOX'S ECLIPSE PAGE HERE

I got cheated to say the least. All I get is PacMan. Vox then told me I could drive 616 miles northeast, and I would get to see a full eclipse and watch the cows in Kansas go to sleep. This full eclipse in the USA only comes around once every 99 years. The last total eclipse was in June of 1918. So, this is my only shot at it. I think I will cancel my life insurance. What is it good for if a person cannot get in on a full eclipse.

Actually, there was an eclipse back in 1977-79 in Washington DC when the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate, and the White House, and the US Constitution went into total eclipse. Obama enjoyed this same blessing in 2009-11 during which the Constitution was declared null and void.

We had an eclipse in the High Desert of California when I still lived there learning Liberal tolerance and good will. A horse had wandered onto the right of way of the Union Pacific Railroad, and when the eclipse came over, the horse went sound asleep. A train came along, turned the horse into compost, and scattered his remains all over the tracks. All that was left of him was a hairy tale.

A solar eclipse consists of the moon passing between the earth and the sun. This is a lot like when a deer jumps between you and on oncoming car at night and blacks out the head lights which the guy has on high beam. The relief is very brief, and the deer never knows what chaos it created.

Jules Janssen, a distant relative of mine in The Netherlands, was staring at a full eclipse in 1868 while visiting France. To his amazement, he could see a cloud around the sun, and he realized that there was a new element of truth to be seen. The new element he called helium. No one had been smart enough to peek at that cloud until Jules came along. We Dutchmen are now peeking at eclipses regularly to see if we can find shelium. It seems politically incorrect for men to have helium, while women must go without their own personal gas. (Rich puns suggest themselves here gentlemen.)

Actually, a recent discovery was made indicating that shelium is present on earth after all. It seems to be found only from three sources..... Mexican pinto beans,  Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters.

My neighbor, blind Tom, asked me to warn you people not to stare at the eclipse. He did so long ago, and he fried his macular. The world needs more macular in men. Well, it could have been worse. Tom could have masticating and fried his glottis. Please do not let children read this stuff. I might warp them morally.

Even though the moon will cover the sun in St. Louis, something called the penumbra or the penultimate will still manage to slip around the moon and burn your eyes out. If you want to stare at the eclipse, go downtown to some welding shop, and borrow the hood the welder uses to look at his work in the hood.


You can also hold a Liberal Democrat's head between you and the sun. It will be dense enough to reduce the deadly rays of the sun.

So, have fun with science and astronomy as you enjoy the eclipse. Beware of sleeping horses standing in the road. And, do not inhale any helium (PC for that is personium). Helium, when inhaled, gives you a soprano voice, makes you grow breasts, and you have to use the ladies' restroom for life.

SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA

AIR FORCE ONE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE FIVE PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY FOUR PARACHUTES.


THE FIRST PASSENGER, OPRAH WINFREY, SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN TV SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN IN SHOW BUSINESS, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PARACHUTE AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MC CAIN , SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PARACHUTE AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, BARACK OBAMA SAID, "I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND I AM THE SMARTEST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY, SOME EVEN CALL ME THE ANOINTED ONE." SO HE GRABBED THE PARACHUTE NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE." THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. AMERICA'S SMARTEST PRESIDENT JUMPED WITH MY SCHOOLBAG ."

YES, THAT IS THE TRUTH

LOOK MOM, I FINISHED MY BANANAS

It must be true, I saw it on the Internet.

DONALD TRUMP AT 0% IN FARM POLL

This is terrifying to say the least. The Donald is in deep trouble in Kansas.

THERE IS A DIM BULB IN THE CHAMBER THAT NEEDS REPLACING

And, here he is.............

BLAME IS ON BUSH

This is getting to be more comic relief lately.

Never in my life has a President tried to blame every detail of his failures on the former President for so long. Obama seems to be totally oblivious to the image he is cutting with America AND the history books.

WHERE ARE THE LADIES?

There was Nancy Reagan, there was Rosalynn Carter, there was Barbara and Laura Bush, will you permit me, there was even Hillary-- some we liked and some we did not like, but the ALL looked like ladies.


So, what happened?

WHEN IS THE EMPIRE COMPLETE?

POLITICAL SATIRE FOR YOU TODAY:


From the Washington Post.....

Three days before the Republican presidential primary in Ohio, Mitt Romney was campaigning in Dayton when a woman stood up to ask a question that pointed to one of the most important missing debates of Campaign 2012, and to a widening division in the GOP over a critical foreign policy issue.

Vicki Chura said her daughter was on her second tour in Afghanistan with the 82nd Airborne Division. She said her daughter was increasingly frustrated by the lack of clarity of the U.S. mission there and desperately wanted to come home. What would Romney do as president to expedite the withdrawal of U.S. forces?

The economy is and probably will continue to be the dominant issue in the campaign, but the shooting rampage Sunday by a U.S. soldier that killed 16 Afghan civilians could push the Afghan war into the political debate.

The killings may or may not be a shock to the political system. At a minimum, they are likely to raise uncomfortable questions, particularly for President Obama, the architect of the current policy, but also for the Republican candidates. Even for those out of power, Afghanistan provides no easy answers.

Romney’s response to Chura’s question underscored why. He began by criticizing the president. He said that Obama has not clearly defined the U.S. mission to the American people, and that a president should report regularly on the goals and progress of any such mission.

Romney described the U.S. objective as one of building an Afghan security force capable of protecting the country’s sovereignty — which is not that different from Obama’s stance. Hoping to show empathy with his questioner, he said he wants U.S. troops to come home “as soon as humanly possible.” But he offered a big, broad caveat: They can withdraw, he said, “as soon as that mission is complete.”

So, here is the question: When is the mission complete. If Obama did not answer this, neither did Romney. Why?

Answer: The empire is far from complete? The USA is on a roll, the last roll of every empire in world history. When an empire is about to crash, they go off over the horizon to see if they can justify their existence by grabbing more real estate.

It never works. Alexander the Great ended up in Basra in the Middle East where he died of systosemiasis very likely. Greece promptly collapsed into chaos.

What is the moral of this sorry satire?

If you are about to be fired from your job, go steal all the door knobs from the building and resign.

I trust that these little fireside chats help you understand the issues of life. I try hard to make it all very clear.

NIAGARA FALLS..... REALLY, IT DOES

I once stood on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls and looked at the water cascading over the edge. What a mighty scene. We went down into some sort of cave under the falls, put on rain coats provided, and we gasped in unison as millions of tons of water went down in front of us. It was not so awesome, but we gasped as water ran down our necks, COLD water.


People standing around were talking about how heroic some idiot was who went over the falls in a wooden barrel long ago. If I went over the falls in a bucket, I would make that guy look like small stuff. No one present had a spare bucket, so I had to postpone my great moment.


Anyway, what I wanted to discuss with my readers..... all of you with surging intellects and infinite curiosity..... is the way the falls wear away all the time from hydrological erosion. (That sounds contagious, don't it?)


You see, in the past before some bright engineer found a way to slow it, the falls eroded away at the rate of 10 feet a year. Now, it occurred to me to go back in time, back past the Bushian Age, the Rooseveltian age, the Neolithic Age, and the Neoprene Age, all the way back to the beginning of  the present evolutionary era. I did the math, based on 500,000,000 years, which is modest and quite generous to the effulgent intellects on high.


Rounded off, I show that Niagara Falls was 947,000 miles east of its present location when the whole globe done bust wide open and started flowing. Now, you must admit, that is quite a distance and a lot of rocks to wash away into the Atlantic Ocean. 


I would like to give full credit to Isaac Azimov, Stephen Hocking, and Richard Dawkins for their wise and reliable estimations of the time lapsed for evolution to make this hydrolic event possible. I must say, in great awe, "How in the name of creation did you men find the time to do this for us all?"

LETTER OF RESIGNATION-- 1883 STYLE

Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W. T.,
October 1, 1883.
To the President of the United States:

Sir:

I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction you should turn it first in order to make it operate.

There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I have not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is a luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of this mining stock. 

The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less to keep him.

You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery window.


* * * *

Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the feather bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered up his administration by stuffing the window and substituted glass. Finding nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made the feather bed a part of my offical duties, I filed it away in an obscure place and burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act maddened my predecssor to such a degree that he then and there became a candidate for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The Democratic party was able, however with what aid it secured from the Republicans, to plow the old man under to a great degree.


* * * *

You will find the key under the door-mat and you had better turn the cat out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, you can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at her.

If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box rent, you might as well put his mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and insists on a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you can salute him through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk; which you will find near the Etruscan water pail. This will not in any manner surprise either of these parties.


* * * *

Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term of office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon for my eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers of a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a sickening thud.

BILL NYE