I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE..... IT MUST BE TRUE

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

MY LAMENT..... LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A SOLAR ECLIPSE

I am outraged (word borrowed from mad Democrats) that the coming solar eclipse has been sent over Kansas. I got on Vox, a web site dedicated to the defense of every dumb Liberal in Washington DC, and they have this cool animated graphic of the eclipse as I will see it in my Zip Code area. 

SEE VOX'S ECLIPSE PAGE HERE

I got cheated to say the least. All I get is PacMan. Vox then told me I could drive 616 miles northeast, and I would get to see a full eclipse and watch the cows in Kansas go to sleep. This full eclipse in the USA only comes around once every 99 years. The last total eclipse was in June of 1918. So, this is my only shot at it. I think I will cancel my life insurance. What is it good for if a person cannot get in on a full eclipse.

Actually, there was an eclipse back in 1977-79 in Washington DC when the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate, and the White House, and the US Constitution went into total eclipse. Obama enjoyed this same blessing in 2009-11 during which the Constitution was declared null and void.

We had an eclipse in the High Desert of California when I still lived there learning Liberal tolerance and good will. A horse had wandered onto the right of way of the Union Pacific Railroad, and when the eclipse came over, the horse went sound asleep. A train came along, turned the horse into compost, and scattered his remains all over the tracks. All that was left of him was a hairy tale.

A solar eclipse consists of the moon passing between the earth and the sun. This is a lot like when a deer jumps between you and on oncoming car at night and blacks out the head lights which the guy has on high beam. The relief is very brief, and the deer never knows what chaos it created.

Jules Janssen, a distant relative of mine in The Netherlands, was staring at a full eclipse in 1868 while visiting France. To his amazement, he could see a cloud around the sun, and he realized that there was a new element of truth to be seen. The new element he called helium. No one had been smart enough to peek at that cloud until Jules came along. We Dutchmen are now peeking at eclipses regularly to see if we can find shelium. It seems politically incorrect for men to have helium, while women must go without their own personal gas. (Rich puns suggest themselves here gentlemen.)

Actually, a recent discovery was made indicating that shelium is present on earth after all. It seems to be found only from three sources..... Mexican pinto beans,  Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters.

My neighbor, blind Tom, asked me to warn you people not to stare at the eclipse. He did so long ago, and he fried his macular. The world needs more macular in men. Well, it could have been worse. Tom could have masticating and fried his glottis. Please do not let children read this stuff. I might warp them morally.

Even though the moon will cover the sun in St. Louis, something called the penumbra or the penultimate will still manage to slip around the moon and burn your eyes out. If you want to stare at the eclipse, go downtown to some welding shop, and borrow the hood the welder uses to look at his work in the hood.


You can also hold a Liberal Democrat's head between you and the sun. It will be dense enough to reduce the deadly rays of the sun.

So, have fun with science and astronomy as you enjoy the eclipse. Beware of sleeping horses standing in the road. And, do not inhale any helium (PC for that is personium). Helium, when inhaled, gives you a soprano voice, makes you grow breasts, and you have to use the ladies' restroom for life.

SMOOTH, COOL, VERRRRRY BRITISH..... THE BBC?

This is priceless.

It just happened today.

PARROT SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME IN BABY'S ROOM

This is wild.

EUROPEAN ANTHEM- ODE TO JOY

This is the first time I have really enjoyed the singing of the European Anthem.

SEMPER FI

TOP THIS ONE FOR A SPEEDING TICKET IN KINGSVILLE, TEXAS

 

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas. One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.

 

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

 

Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite treetops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.

 

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment. 

 

The reply came back in true USMC style:

 

"Thank you for your letter… 

 

"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down." 

 

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location." 

 

"Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville."

 

"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap on his holster is broken.”

 

Semper Fi

SUNDAY SERMON: ORDER A SALAD

This ought to get some fatty under conviction of sin:

GED TEST RESULTS ARE IMPROVING

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds):   

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A, The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (what!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)

 AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.     (now we’re getting somewhere)

FIGURE EIGHT RACE WITH CAMP TRAILERS AND BOATS

This could only happen in Michigan.

But, the real action is in California
Wait for the yellow flag to turn green. Click down the title boxed in the middle of the screen

Another reason to Home School your kids

HAPPY 100TH DAY OF SCHOOL

Don't bug the Purncipal.

Never pass up a dose of British humor when it is available. And, I have a healthy dose just for you as a New Years present:

Do have a splendid and prosperous New Year, my dear reader.


Best wishes,

Steve Van Nattan
Texas

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BOARD

This is British humor at its best...............

LEX PRIN STRIKES AGAIN

This is Lexington, Kentucky Principal Gerry Brooks spreading humor in the world of education.

This guy is the Art Buchwald of YouTube. He is so funny because he sounds so sincere as he lampoons life in the public school. I have done a lot of substitute teaching in my time, and this stuff is priceless.

Recent clip:

This is my favorite:

GERRY BROOKS' YOUTUBE SITE FOR MORE FUN

How about forwarding this blog post to your favorite teacher?

Finally, have you volunteered for Kindergarten lunch room duty lately? You are really missing out on a great experience.

TRY TO REMEMBER

Possibly the cleanest comedian in television history.

THE SOUTHERN DOCTRINE OF GRITS

It is important, friends. South of the Mason Dixon Line any restaurant that does not serve grits will fail for sure. 

There are also two other items that better be on the menu. Fried okra and good biscuits. There are no bad biscuits in Tennessee. That is because any cafe with bad biscuits closed yesterday.

So, how important are grits to southern folks?

Let brother Jerry Clower explain it to you.

GONE FISHING

So, you live in the city. That is no excuse to claim you have no time to go bass fishing. You may not have to go far to catch bass.





So, you prefer live bait? Here it is.




And, it is exciting.....




You might even catch a snapper:

FLAT EARTH TAKES A BEATING

This post is about 75% comic relief, and 25% deadly.

What I mean is that there are Christians out there today who are going over the the flat earth theory. I have not been able to identify the center of gravity of this seduction. Someone must be driving this along.

In any case, Stefan Molyneux does an exceptional job of trying to take this seriously while you can see he is having a terrible time not to roar out with laughter. Stefan is an Atheist, but unlike most modern Atheists, Stefan is not a vicious beast about it. So, Stefan is fun to listen to. 

One more note: Stefan is an Anarchist of the benign variety. He has the idea that getting rid of all authority and laws would result in a contemplative society in which people did mostly nice things to one another out of survival instinct. He will, or course, get his wish during what the Bible calls the Great Tribulation.

But, you need to see how Stefan trashes the flat earth theory. I have had a very hard time to take these people seriously until the other day when I saw that Bill Schnoebelen had taken up on the flat earth notions. There is something very seductive about this.

The only people whom I could forgive for believing in the flat earth theory are folks in Iowa and Illinois. The highest thing in Illinois is an overpass on the interstate close to Springfield.

LET YO LITTLE LIGHT SHINE..... APPLICATION PLEASE?

This pastor was trying to do a bit of a light show to help him make his point. I do not remember a word he said other than, "Let you light shine."

But, he sure missed a great application for a lesson on using wisdom by cutting the video short.

You had to watch it twice, right?

LOOK MOM, I FINISHED MY BANANAS

It must be true, I saw it on the Internet.

PRICELESS-- SCAM THE SCAMMER

This is worth watching the whole thing.

DIY scam the scammer in email. DO NOT use you regular email account. Open some temporary email account, and wait for spam to start the trick.

The Cop & The Scammer - REAL Phone Conversation!